The Actual Truth About My Travels
by Dark-Sylph
Summary: Legolas finally reveals what REALLY happened on the quest to Mount Doom. No strange girls were involved, he was actually supposed to be on vacation, and the stupid Ranger kept stealing his pillow!


_**Ok, I know that this isn't "Elves Shouldn't Be Allowed" but I'm having a very hard time right now with school and work and haven't been able to get around to writing the rest of everyone's favorite story. This was my first fanfic and in my opinion, is actually pretty funny. I hope you guys enjoy it and it tides you over till I can update. **_

_**--Dark-Elf **_

_**Tobacco and Dwarves**_ According to Legolas Greenleaf

_I can't believe this! I thought I was going to get a vacation away from Dad and everyone else. NOW I'm stuck with a dwarf, four little hobbits, an equally bad looking (not counting bad smelling) man, and another man who's sooo full of himself I asked one of the hobbits to throw his Precious shield in to the first river we came to. Remind me never to go to Elrond's AGAIN! _

_It all started when Dad asked if I could bring the news to the Council meeting in Rivendell. Dad told me that, "Elrond has important news, a great discovery I think." The news I had to tell was that Gollum had decided to escape, which was fine by me, the ugly disgusting little snipe! I decided WHY not? Besides things were getting a little slow and I hadn't used my bow that much since the Battle of the Five Armies._

_Therefore, I unwittingly set out on my journey without asking Father why Elrond had called a meeting. When I arrived in Rivendell, I was completely happy. I just kept thinking about the wonderful wine and the excellent food. (Mother always wondered how I stayed so thin.) _

_My first great disappointment was when I found out that there was no Dorwinian to be had at all, ANYWHERE! THEN, I found out that a whole troupe of dwarves had arrived in Rivendell for the meeting. When I asked Elrohir why there were dwarves in Rivendell, he said they were here for the meeting. I began to wonder what I had got myself into. Besides the dwarf thing, the visit was beginning to get fun. Bilbo and I hit it off quite well. Frodo is a good chap and all but a tad too serious. Then we had that Wonderful meeting. Gandalf totally ruined my moment when he said he already knew about Gollum's escape. Nice to have a know-it-all around (I think he thinks that I purposefully let Gollum go. He knows I can't stand slimy things.) _

_Anyway, Elrond was all serious and the "Ring of Power" wasn't all that interesting, and I was horribly bored, when that chap from down south stood up and was telling us how bad Mordor is. Deciding this idiot needed his britches tightened a bit; I stood up and chewed him out. Gimli, Gloin's son, must have been as bored as I was 'cause it stood up and started chewing ME out! It looked like a good brawl, I mean yelling, screaming, and shouting. Elrond looked extremely embarrassed. _

_Frodo who is a little small to get in the thick of things suddenly stood up and said he would the take the Ring. I thought, "Excellent." And THEN VOLUNTEERS were popping up everywhere. Let me tell you, I had no desire to go, but when the dwarf started reaching for his axe, well I certainly wasn't going to be beat by a dwarf, so I walked over. Last three to join was Sam, Merry, and Pippin. I felt a little better, knowing there was going to be some good chaps on the mission. _

_For instance, the night before the meeting Bilbo, M, P, and I were sitting in a balcony overlooking that nice bridge, when we saw two figures. To say that we didn't laugh our heads off or that Merry didn't have to give Pippin the Heimlich would've been a lie. The two down on the bridge didn't hear but Elrond sure as heck did, and that's probably why he wasn't in tears when Merry and Pippin joined. _

_Anyway… I found out we would be CAMPING the whole time. So, being smart, I grabbed a pillow and hid it in Bill's pack. Wouldn't you know it, Aragorn had to check his pipeweed supply one last time and he came across the pillow. I, uh… won't go into that…_

_Not much happened once we left, and it was just walking and walking, and more walking. _

_We were at the foot of the Misty Mountains, and Boromir was giving VERY valuable education in those big, useless slabs of metal, when I saw a flock of birds. Gandalf freaked (and so did I). So now, we have to slog up a mountain. Aragorn and Boromir had some kind of quibble about Frodo's Ring, but leave me out of it. _

_We got pretty near the top, to find out Carhadras was not having a good century and was in a fairly bad mood. SO! We had to TURN around and slog BACK down the mountain to the Mines of Moria. _

_I seriously got the heebie-jeebies when Frodo decided to go there! I TRIED to tell them I get chlosterphobic underground. Did they listen to me? HECK NO! Once Gandalf finally managed to open the door to the Mines, Gimli was talking about the big feast his cousin was going to give us as we walked in. I was just about ready to lose my lunch at malt beer, when Boromir got this look on his face and said we where in a tomb. _

_Hey, I can take a hint, and did the traditional pull arrow out of skeleton, say there's orcs (everyone's favorite), put arrow on bow, pull bow back, look brave, and get the heck out of there. Unfortunately, I had only just finished steps 1-5, when a nasty, slimy creature grabbed Frodo for dinner. If I had had the time, I would've told the ugly thing what hobbits do…(smoke non-stop, eat waaaay too much, and Pete's sake! THEY DRINK BEER!) Considering I didn't have time, I had to shoot at it, to defend Aragorn and Boromir who were rescuing Frodo. _

_The long and short of it was, we saved Frodo but were trapped in the Mines of Moria. Two days in the dark was driving me crazy, let alone the hobbits and Gimli discussing the lore and heritage of pipeweed! Not to say I wasn't chlosterphobic either… I was at my wit's end, (meaning screaming stage), when we arrived at the Great Dwarf City. Then things started to pick up a bit. We were walking along when Gimli shouted and ran into a room with a tomb. _

_While Gimli bawled his eyes out, Gandalf read the inscription on the tomb that Balin son of Fundin was dead. I got kinda o' choked up about that. Balin had been a pretty decent fellow for a dwarf. Then Gandalf picked up a book and started reading and I'm telling you I got the creeps all up and down my spine. I told Aragorn we needed to get out of there, when Pippin managed to get a skeleton down a well. Then drums started well, you know drumming. Boromir peaked out the door and nearly became a pincushion. He and Aragorn blocked the door so that we could get ready. The orcs started pounding on the door and axing it. The whole nine yards in any case, which was pretty sad 'cause it was a nice door. _

_Anyway, they broke it down and they were some of the ugliest orcs I've ever seen. I'm sure they never use shampoo and certainly not soap. And it would be too much to ask it they ever wash their rags. (I couldn't really bring myself to say they're clothes.) I was knifing orcs right and left, trying to keep my hands from touching any of them, when a cave troll showed up. _

_Well it was certainly entertaining trying to figure out how to kill him. At one point, I jumped on his head and shot a couple arrows into his thick skull. Then he started bucking everywhere and I had to jump off. After he skewered Frodo, well that's when it became serious. The two little hobbits jumped on him and I was able to shoot his neck. That did the trick and he did a magnificent fall and we all ran over to Frodo and found out he was alive. Turns out he had old Bilbo's mithril tunic, surprised everyone except Gandalf and me. (Bilbo told me about it at Rivendell) _

_We heard more orcs coming so we started running for the bridge of Kaza-something and we got really near the entrance when more orcs surrounded us. We all were read to die honorably (NOT!) when we heard this noise and saw a really bright light starting our way. The orcs disappeared and then Gandalf told us that it was a Balrog and we all freaked and I was screaming my head off and we beat the track record by twenty seconds. Good old Boromir was in front and nearly fell because he was going a little fast down the stairs going to the bridge. Of course, I had to save him by grabbing around the waist and let me tell you he stank! Do all men stink? Had to get that off my chest. _

_Ehhemm…_

_We reached the bridge and ran over it. We turned around and Gandalf had stayed in the middle of the bridge. The Balrog suddenly materialized and Gandalf broke the bridge! A wonderful old antique bridge like that and he broke it! I was getting all fired up and mad when I realized that the Balrog had fallen, but his thingy had wrapped around Gandalf's leg, and he was hanging of the end of the bridge! I was starting to run over there to grab him when he fell! _

_We stood kinda shocked 'til Boromir and Aragorn hustled us up the last flight of stairs into the sunlight. Then the buckets started flowing. I, personally, felt a little confused about it. Gandalf had always seemed so indestructible. It was kinda weird. Aragorn let us have our little cry, and then rousted us out of there and we made our melancholy way to Lothlorien. _

_We arrived there and we began to look for a tree to sleep in. I had just found the perfect tree and was hanging off the first branch when a horribly cheeky elf yelled "Daro!" I was so startled, I fell slap bang on my tailbone! And it HURT! Feeling slightly silly, I decided to save what little poise I had left and told the Company to keep quiet because there was something in the tree. They all looked at me like "DUH!"_

_Then the elf called down and told me to get my little self up there. I climbed up on a rope ladder thrown down. It knocked Aragorn on the head and I felt much better. As I climbed up, I hoped it wouldn't be Orophin or Haldir. Much to my chagrin, it was both. Haldir had tried to stay in Mirkwood as a representative of Lothlorien and only stayed three years and that's it. The reason was Orophin his brother. Orophin had become highly attached to Dorwinian and to my younger sister. Haldir become absolutely aghast at this and grabbed his brother and came back to Lorien and told the Lady that, "Mirkwood needs no elves from Lorien at the moment." The Lady must've taken the hint and because she never sent her elves again. Haldir had never forgiven me and Orophin refused to acknowledge that my sister could be related to such an "ugly elf". _

_They kind of looked at me and asked if I had Frodo. So, I got sent back down, grabbed Frodo, and went back up. They then sent me back down and told me to take my stinking friends and find another tree. They would take care of the hobbits. Haldir said it in Elvish but Aragorn looked a little hurt, since he understands it. I think he'd been to Lorien a couple times and he and Haldir were friends of sorts. I comforted Aragorn as best I could, but I did have to agree with Haldir on the stinking part. _

_Next morning we all got ready for our last stretch to the heart of Elvendom on earth. At least that's how Haldir said it. I can never say the name of the Lady's city 'cause it twists my tongue something awful. _

_Anyway, Haldir made it purposefully difficult to get started. He's still mad at me for something I don't remember. He told Gimli that he would have to have a blindfold. As you might expect, Gimli blew up, picked up his meat-chopper, and threatened Haldir with it. So, Haldir pointed his bow and arrow at Gimli and it looked like a stale mate. "A curse on all stiff-necked dwarves!" I yelled feeling very annoyed. Then Aragorn said we should all get blindfolded. I was shocked and dismayed and Haldir smirked. (Orophin took off to somewhere last night.) _

_In the end, Haldir was leading us and I'm sure we looked like idiots. We reached the river whatsistname and went across. I nearly busted my tights, I was laughing so hard when Gimli went across the river. An elf bridge is two ropes stretched across and you walk on the ropes. Well if it's an elf, it's easy and I suppose a man could if he was on the Atkins Diet. Thankfully, I only got a run in the tights, and we continued. _

_When we got there, we met the Lord Celeborn and the Lady Galadriel. While she was telepathying with everybody, Celeborn asked us where Gandalf was. Geesh, he talked so slow, I'm convinced we interrupted his afternoon nap. Well I told him and he looked heartbroken. (Gandalf smuggled Dorwinian into Lorien for Celeborn). Galadriel the told us to go and rest. She seemed to really shake up Frodo and especially Boromir. _

_I wondered if I would be able to sneak a pillow from here in Sam's pack when we left. When we got to our spot, (no proper rooms in Lorien but they do have pillows!) the elves started singing. Merry asked me what they were saying. I really couldn't admit that I had a horrible time understanding High-elven, so I said the grief was too near. _

_Sam spoke a little line about Gandalf's fireworks. He thought it wasn't very good, but I though it worked pretty well 'cause Gimli fell asleep. Much to my glee, Aragorn didn't appreciate the snoring and whacked Gimli a good one. _

_Throughout our stay in Lothlorien, Gimli and I went on many adventures that will never come into stories. Which is fine. They are a tad embarrassing those days. Nothing scandalous really, but our own time and story all the same. But we became true friends after that and nothing could bring us apart. _

_After our month in Lorien was up, we prepared to leave and good old Galadriel met us down the river a bit and met for lunch and gift-giving time. That sweet Lady gave me a new bow. I was absolutely delighted. I really did die or very nearly, when Gimli asked for a strand of Galadriel's hair and Celeborn's expression was completely classic. Then we had to leave Lorien, Galy, and everything else. _

_And… Aragorn found the pillow in Sam's pack, because he thought he had misplaced his darn pipeweed! I am seriously going to toss his pipeweed over a cliff one of these days. So, we started our trip down the Anduin. By the time we had reached the Argonath, I had started stuffing my extra socks in my ears. Gimli was seriously testing my newfound friendship pretty hard. He was talking about Galadriel 24-7 and wouldn't shut up! That darn Aragorn wouldn't let me switch boats. _

_Then I got my moment of glory. We were very near the end of our river boating trip when one of the Nazgúl showed up again. Or should I say flew up. I was totally freaked, you know that kind of feeling when you find out that the Dorwinian is ALL gone and it'll be two days before the next shipment comes in. So anyway, I was freaking but Galy's bow worked like a charm and whatever that thing was I hit, whacked the dirt. Literally. My joy was short lived when I found out about Gollum's following us all the way from Moria. Turns out most everyone knew except Pippin and I. How I missed it I don't know but Pippin was understandable. _

_Gandalf had said something to that effect at Moria. We finally reached our destination of decision and landed on the west bank of the Anduin. Aragorn was supposed to chose Minas Tirith or go to the east side of the river. Poor guy was having a horrible time. Frodo looked a little lost too. I hate cities so I was all for the east side. Frodo disappeared to think about it. _

_An hour and a half later, Boromir shows up looking awfully guilty. Before Aragorn could begin the interrogation, Boromir told us that Frodo had put the Ring on. We completely panicked. I mean scattered in all directions. Gimli and I took off into the woods and to Gimli's joy and my horror, we ran right into a bunch of orcs. Gimli loves fighting but I had just brushed out the dirt under my nails and washed my hands. But there was nothing for it. _

_In the middle of fighting, we suddenly heard the horn of Gondor blow twice and then suddenly stop. However, we were hemmed in on all sides and couldn't get out of there. I was on my last arrow when the orcs just left. Extremely puzzled, I asked Gimli why they had run. "Probably that horrible, stinky rose water you used to use" was his very unnecessary answer. I do NOT use rose water! IT'S LILAC! Since Gimli didn't know the difference between stinkweed and elanor, I couldn't argue the point. _

_Then I realized why Gimli was looking so smug. An orc had slashed my pack and hit the bottle of water. I got so mad that Gimli had to drag me behind a tree when we saw more orcs headed our way. Once they had all passed, we made our way back to where we had heard the horn. _

_We found Aragorn leaning over a very dead Boromir. Number two. I knew I shouldn't have come. Aragorn told us that Merry and Pippin had been taken by the orcs that had attacked us. I felt like crying. After we put Boromir in the boat and sent him down the river, we went back to our camp sight and figured out that Frodo and Sam had gone over to the east bank of the river. _

_We decided that they should go ahead and go solo. Saying goodbye to Rauros and the Anduin, us three started our pursuit or orcs. _

_One last note: Aragorn threw me into the river to rinse off the smell of my lilac water that had spilled. He said any orc could smell me from a league away. It was Gimli's turn to bust his breaches. Moreover, yes, Aragorn was going to be one very sad human when he found all his pipeweed gone. Although I don't think Boromir can smoke anymore, I thought he would like it._


End file.
